TOW a lot of "oh my gosh's"
(Central Perk- all the gang is sitting around, except for Monica, who just enters)
Mon: Hey! Guys! Guess what?
Mon: After weeks of being alone, I've gotten a date!
Rach: That's great! With who? Is he cute?
Mon: Well, actually, I don't know what he looks like, or what his last name is… I met Pat over the Internet.
Ross: Uh, Monica, is that really the best way to meet guys… I mean, there are some really weird people on the Internet. And you don't even know this guy. He could be a total sicko.
Joey: Or "he" could be a "she."
(Everyone gives Joey a strange look)
Joey: What? Haven't you guys ever seen "It's Pat?"
Monica: Well, come to think of it, Pat did say some weird stuff.
Phoebe: Like what?
Monica: Well, he told me that a pig's orgasm lasts for half an hour.
(Everyone gives Joey a disgusted look).
CREDITS…. Hum the theme song to yourself
(Girls' apartment- everyone is there, except Monica, who walks out of her bedroom, with a portable phone in hand).
Monica: Well, I just canceled the date with Pat. It's official. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.
Joey: No, Monica, you're beautiful and smart and wonderful… any guy would kill to go out with you. I'm the one that is going to be alone for the rest of my life.
Monica: No, Joey, you are a great guy.
Joey: Really? Well… do you want to go out with me?
Monica: Wait… like on a date?
Chandler: Yeah, Joey, that's exactly what Monica wants to do… spend a fun filled day at the New York Horseshoe Crab Petting Zoo.
Joey: Nah, I did that last week. So, Monica, do you want to?
Chandler: No, she won't… Monica doesn't want to get involved with her friends… remember at the beach when… (Cut off my Monica)
Monica: Actually, I'd like that Joey.
Ross: Um… well… what are you guys gonna do?
Rachel: Something romantic… a candlelight dinner, with flowers and musicians and dancing…
Joey: or BOWLING!
(Guys' apartment- Only Joey and Chandler are there. Joey is dressed up in a suit and tie, whereas Chandler is sitting in his chair (yes, they have furniture) in sweats with a beer in hand).
Chandler: So… why did you decide to ask Monica out?
Joey: I don't know… she just seemed depressed, and I wanted to make her feel better.
Chandler: (somewhat relieved) Oh. That's nice of you.
Joey: Oh, and because she's really hot, and I haven't… you know… for six days.
Joey: And Monica isn't like any other girl I've ever been out with.
Chandler: Yeah, she's probably the only one that doesn't think that psychology involves fortunetellers, palm reading, and crystal balls. (Joey just gives him a quizzical look.) Never mind Joey, just try not to tie that tie too tight.
Joey: Well, I guess I better go pick up Monica… (A knock on the door… Joey goes to get it. It's Monica, and she's wearing a very nice dress. Chandler looks up, and (for some reason) his eyes almost bug out of his head.)
Chandler: Wow. You look great.
Monica: Oh, thank you Chandler.
Joey: Hey. I was supposed to pick you up. Well… who cares? Let's go… I want to show you off.
(They exit, and Chandler looks a little depressed, for some reason).
(At a very nice restaurant- Monica and Joey are there. Monica had the lobster… and Joey appears to have the remnants of a hamburger on his plate. And there are a few empty wine bottles on the table next to Monica… it seems that Monica might not be entirely sober).
Monica: You know? I think I should get a lot of men… I'm not so grotesque that I don't deserve them… I think I should have tons of them… and they should make me their queen… and they can carry me around… and stuff. Hey waiter! Get over here.
Waiter: Yes Miss?
Monica: Bring me another bottle of wine.
Waiter: Excuse me Miss, I don't wish to be rude, but your table has already run up a $564 bill, and your date (Motions to Joey, who is playing with the salt shaker and getting salt everywhere) *eh hem* and your date, doesn't seem to be… all that aware of his surroundings.
Monica: Well, I don't wish to be rude either, Mr. "I don't wish to be rude," but for your information, Joey always acts stupid like this, and if I want another drink, then I think I'm entitled to one!
Waiter: Whatever you wish Ma'am.
Joey: No, wait, Mr. Waiter, I think it IS about time we get going. Monica, maybe he's right. I think you've already had a little too much to drink, I ran out of money three bottles ago, and I've run out of sail and pepper.
Monica: So haha Mr. Waiter man! And anyway, tell the cook that I'm a much better chef than he ever will be! My salad had slime in it!
Waiter: Once again Miss, I mean no disrespect, but you DID order Escargot.
Monica: Shows what you know. You're just a man. All men are pigs! But one day, when I'm the queen, you'll worship me, like all the others will!
Joey: Let's go Monica. (Joey hands the waiter a credit card and signs something, and the waiter quickly returns with the credit card, and gives it back to Joey.)
Waiter: Very good Sir. Please come again. (he whispers to Joey), and you may think about leaving her at home next time.
(As they're walking out, she sees an elderly man with his wife).
Monica: Hey… Gramps… You look like you could use a time. How about it?
(The man and wife just look at her strangely and Joey grabs her and drags her out of the restaurant. At this point the waiter is watching them leave. Someone we assume to be the manager walks by. The waiter stops him.)
Waiter: Excuse me, Mr. Vondeirker, I think we should make it a point to never let, (He looks at the signed receipt) Mr. Ross Geller in our establishment ever again.
(Guys' apartment- Chandler is there… with a bottle of wine and a bunch of empty beer cans sitting around him. Rachel enters).
Rachel: Gosh Chandler! What have you been doing in here?
Chandler: (obviously drunk, but still witty) Would you believe me if I told you hang gliding?.
Rachel: How and why did you get so drunk?
Chandler: I have to have a reason?
Rachel: ARHG. I just came to see what you were up to… I'm bored… no one's home, Phoebe is on a date, Ross is at the museum and Joey and Monica are… (Cutoff by Chandler)
Rachel: What? Do you have a problem with them going out?
Chandler: NO! Monica can go out with whomever she wants…
Rachel: Oh, okay….
Chandler: Just as long as it isn't Joey!
Rachel: Why? They're two of your best friends… don't you want them to be happy?
Chandler: Of course I want them to be happy… I just don't want to hear Joey doing Monica on the other side of my wall!
Rachel: Joey and his girls didn't seem to bother you that much before.
Chandler: Well, his girl wasn't someone that I was in love with before!
Chandler: I'm drunk… I'm going to the bathroom now… I didn't say anything. Bye.
Rachel: Wait a second! Come here.
Chandler: No! (He runs into Joey's room, shuts the door, tries to lock it, but he's too drunk.) I've gotta hide! (He darts around the room for a minute, looking for a place to hide, but can't.) Aw, screw it! (He passes out on Joey's bed).
Rachel: (walks into the room and starts shaking Chandler) Chandler! Wake up! You have some explaining to do! ARGH. (She finds that her attempts to wake Chandler are futile, so she storms out).
(A little while later, Joey enters the empty apartment, with Monica stumbling after.)
Joey: So… Monica… do you want to… uh… go into the bedroom?
Monica: (definitely out of it…) ok, Mr. President.
Joey: Um… okay… Role-playing is fun. After I'm president, I wanna be a cowboy? Well… I'm just going to go to the bathroom… How about I meet you in my room?
Monica: Ok (she drags herself into Joey's room… Chandler is in the bed. Not seeing him, she sits down hard, right on top of him. He suddenly wakes up. Both of them are pretty drunk and out of sorts.)
Chandler: Hi, Monica.
Monica: Hi, Chandler.
Chandler: What are you doing here?
Monica: I think Joey and I are gonna do stuff.
Chandler: Do you wanna do stuff with Joey?
Monica: No, not really.
Chandler: Do you wanna do stuff with me?
(We see Joey in the living room, walking to his door, but he stops and listens.) Whoa… go Chandler! Wait a second… (In his mind) That's my date! AND my bed! (He shrugs) Oh well. I wonder if there is any left over Chinese food in the fridge.
(Next morning…. Joey's room… Chandler is there, and he wakes up… and starts thinking.) Okay…. All I remember is amazing sex…and a bunch of alcohol. Hmmm… REALLY amazing sex, but with who? Hey…I'm in Joey's bedroom…(notices that someone is asleep under the covers next to him). Oh my gosh! I slept with Joey! (Chandler jumps out of the bed and runs into the living room, where he proceeds to run around the chairs screaming.) Oh my gosh! OH my GOSH! OH MY GOSH!!! And it was the best I've ever had! OH MY GOSH!
(All this commotion awakens Monica).
Monica: (thinking) Okay… I slept with someone last night… and I remember that it was really good… and I remember lots of wine… and last night I went out with Joey… and I'm… in… Joey's bedroom… OH MY GOSH! (She jumps out of bed too, and runs into the living room.) Oh my gosh! (She halts when she sees Chandler. Her eyes almost pop out.) OH MY GOSH!!!!!
Chandler: (Stares at her) OH MY GOSH!
Chandler and Monica in unison: OH MY GOSH!!!!!
(Girls' apartment- it's still early, Ross, Phoebe and Rachel are seated around the table.)
Phoebe: So… where's Monica? She's not here. Joey's not here… hmmm… I wonder what that means.
Ross: (angrily) It doesn't mean anything.
Phoebe: Uh, Ross, for someone with a son, you sure don't understand very much, do you? (Ross shoots her a dirty look).
Ross: Joey is one of my best friends, and to think that he is probably doing stuff with my sister right now… is just so… YUCK!
Rachel: Oh, don't worry Ross, after the action they probably go last night, I bet they'll sleep for hours.
Ross: This isn't helping!
Phoebe: Oh come on Ross! Don’t' you want your sister to be happy?
Ross: Not if I have to look at those to together and think… EW, I don't even want to have to think about what I would have to think about if I saw them together, after they did what we're all thinking about them doing right now… I think. Ick.
Rachel: Uh… yeah. Well, who's going to make breakfast? (Monica enters. She's trying to sneak in, and doesn't notice everyone at the table. She is about to reach her room when…)
Rachel, Ross and Phoebe: Hi, Monica!
Monica: AH! You guys almost gave me a heart attack!
Rachel: So… Mon… what have you been up to?
Monica: Absolutely nothing.
Ross: And you didn't come home 'til today, because ???
Phoebe: I think we all know what you AND Joey were up to… so (cut off my Monica)
Monica: Look, I know what you guys all must think, but I just went out with Joey because I was lonely and… well, I was lonely. He took me out for a very nice evening, I got a little drunk, and we went to his place… BUT Joey and I didn't sleep with each other.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, sure. Whatever you say. So… Is he really good in bed?
Monica: I didn't sleep with Joey! I swear!
Phoebe: Go ahead and keep telling yourself that Monica, but no one can truly escape from the truth… Well, except for liars.
Monica: I didn't!
Ross: Come on guys, I believe her. Leave her alone.
Monica: Thank you Ross.
Ross: Cuz if you did, I would have to KILL Joey!
Monica: Uh… okay… well, I'm going to go to my room now. Bye. (She runs off to her room and shuts the door. Joey comes into the apartment a few seconds later.)
Phoebe: Well hey there. What have you been up to?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah sure.
Joey: No, really.
Rachel: So… what did you guys do last night? (Ross gives her a look. So she quickly adds) While you were having dinner, and absolutely nothing else:
Joey: Well, actually, it was a nice evening. I'm not used to going to fancy places… but I think I would rather have gone bowling.
Phoebe: Oh… So, how was the date after dinner?
Ross: Phoebe! Stop it!
Joey: Don't get so upset Ross. I didn't do anything with Monica.
Ross: Oh thank God. (Then Joey adds:)
Joey: No, I couldn't, because before I could get in the bedroom, her and Chandler were already getting it on!
Ross: WHAT?!!!! CHANDLER!!!!! (Ross shoots up from his chair, runs to the door, runs through the hall and bursts into the guys' apartment.) CHANDLER! You've got some explaining to do! (Ross runs into Chandler's room, and while he's in there, Chandler peeks his head out from the bathroom and runs out of the apartment.) CHANDLER!!!! There isn't any use in hiding! I'm going to find you! And when I do, I'm going to kill you!
Chandler: (who is in the hall. Thinking) Not if I can help it… you crazed wacko. (Runs down the steps, out into the world.)
(Girls' apartment- Rachel and Phoebe are pounding on Monica's door)
Rachel: Monica… we just want to talk to you. Come on! Let us in!
Monica: (from behind the door) No!
Phoebe: Come on Monica! We won't kill you! And if you're good, Ross probably won't either, once he gets here.
Monica: (opens the door and comes out) Oh, and that is supposed to make me feel better?
Rachel: Uh, Monica, I think you probably know what we're dying to ask.
Monica: Guys, will you leave me alone? I have a terrible headache.
Phoebe: Did you REALLY sleep with Chandler?
Monica: Yes. Or, at least I think so… I don't really remember all that much… and it was a VERY confusing morning.
Rachel: Did you get really drunk or something?
Monica: Yes. Like it hasn't happened to you?
Rachel: I may have gotten drunk before, but I don't think any amount of alcohol would make me crazy enough to sleep with Chandler! Cut me some slack! I'm just trying to figure out what in the heck happened last night. I know that Chandler was as drunk as a sailor.
Monica: He was?
Rachel: Oh, yeah. I went over there last night, and there he was, drowning in a pool of beer.
Monica: I can relate.
Rachel: So, what was worse this morning? Your hangover, or waking up next to Chandler?
Monica: Rachel, just need to be alone for a while. I'll fill you guys in later, I'm going to go lie down. (She gets up and goes into her room).
Phoebe: Oh my… we certainly have a problem on our hands.
Rachel: Yup. Geez. There's just no pleasing some people.
(Later, at the guys' apartment- Joey is sitting in his chair, holding the duck. Ross bursts in)
Ross: Is he here yet?!
Joey: Nope. You'll have to kill him later. Seriously, Ross, I don't know why this is bothering you so much.
Ross: It just is, OK?!
Joey: Fine, don't get mad at me. He's the one doin your sister.
Ross: You aren't helping!
Ross: (calming down a little.) It's okay, I guess… Oh, and besides this whole Chandler thing… do you know what I've bought in the last month that costs $564? Because I just got my credit card bill early this morning and (cutoff by Joey)
Joey: So… about Chandler and Monica…
Joey: I really think we should just leave them alone. Come on, Monica never got mad at you when you were with Rachel… why can't you give her the same courteously?
Ross: BAH! (He leaves)
Joey: There's just no pleasing some people.
(Girls' apartment- no one is there except for Monica, who is just now coming out of her bedroom. She walks to the fridge. As she is searching for a snack, Chandler enters the apartment from the balcony. He walks up behind Monica, and she doesn't notice).
Chandler: Hi, Monica.
Monica: (turns around quickly) You scared me… uh, hi.
Chandler: I guess there are some things we need to talk about.
Monica: Yup. (They move to the couch, and sit down).
Chandler: So, last night was… kinda…
Chandler: Yup. Definitely different.
Chandler: So… are we going to talk about it?
Monica: What is there to talk about… we were drunk. You were there. I was there. Then we were there.
Chandler: Oh. Okay. I guess I'm just confused about why it wasn't Joey instead.
Monica: Oh, well… okay. Here's the thing. When Joey asked me out, it was a really sweet thing, and you basically decided to answer for me, and that made me mad, so I took the date. I went out with him, but I didn't really want to get involved with him. I don’t have romantic feelings for Joey, so I didn't really want to sleep with him, even thought I probably would have if you hadn't been there.
Chandler: Whoa! Wait! What you just said didn't really make much sense… BUT you did just say that you didn't want to sleep with Joey because you didn't have romantic feelings for him.
Monica: Yeah? What about it?! I don't know about you, but I think that seems like a fairly wise decision. I'm not the type of person that just sleeps around with no feeling Chandler! I d… (Chandler cuts her off)
Chandler: You didn't let me finish. I was going to say that you did sleep with me…
Monica: (a little uncomfortable.) So? I WOULD have slept with Joey.
Chandler: But you didn't. You slept with me… and you just said that you didn't want to sleep with someone that you didn't have feelings for.
Monica: So you think I have feelings for you? (She gives a fake laugh)
Chandler: What is it with you? Why do you think you and me together would be such strange thing? At the beach, and now here! (He stands up and storms out.)
Monica: Chandler! Wait. (She runs out into the hall, but he is gone.)
(Much later, Girls' apartment- the gang is all there except for Monica and Chandler.)
Ross: So, where's Monica?
Rachel: She's in her room. I don't know if she's been out all day.
Ross: So, Joey, where's Chandler?
Joey: I don't know. I haven't seen him since last night… I think he's hiding from you.
Monica: (who has emerged from her room.) No, he's hiding from me.
Rachel: What? Why?
Monica: I said some stupid things… I did some stupid things. I hurt him.
Phoebe: Well, what did you say?
Monica: I don't know… I just want to go and take a walk.
Rachel: Oh, okay.
Ross: Geez. There's just no pleasing some people.
(Cut to outside, Monica is walking in the park. Imagine some kind of romantic/sadish kind of music playing. All of a sudden she passes Chandler who is sitting on a park bench.)
Monica: What are you doing here?
Chandler: Well, I was at the apartment, and I was thinking, "Hey! Ross wants to kill me, Monica hates me, Joey is jealous of me, therefore mad, Rachel and Phoebe are disgusted with me… so how about I go and feed squirrels!"
Monica: Chandler, you know that's not true! (Chandler gives here a skeptical look), well… most of it isn't! I don't hate you Chandler!
Chandler: I don't know if you hate me, but I know that the very thought of me any other way but as a friend disgusts you, even thought last night was one of the most incredible nights of my life.
Monica: (She sits down next to him.) No, Chandler. Last night was incredible… and I'm sorry for what I said, and the way I acted… But it seemed like you were putting me on the spot, and I didn't know what to say or do. I’m sorry.
Chandler: I'm sorry too. (They hug. Now… this gets confusing, so read carefully. Monica and Chandler are hugging. Monica's head is on Chandler's shoulder, and she appears to be nuzzling his neck. She seems very content with her current position. She takes her hand and starts rubbing his back… and she squeezes him a little tighter. She closes her eyes. She takes her other hand and starts raking her hand through Chandler's hair. Let's just say she's enjoying this hug.)
Monica: Chandler, I've been doing some thinking…
Chandler: Wait, Monica. I've been doing some thinking too, and I just wanted to tell you that… you're right… us together would be too weird. I've been thinking really hard about it, and I've realized that last night didn't mean anything. We were just drunk… and you were there, and I was there. (Monica, for some reason looks a little sad, and releases him. He smiles at her, and she musters a smile back.) Things may be a little weird for a while… but I think we can get back to the way things used to be pretty quick, don't you? (Monica nods.) Good. I was so scared I totally messed up. What we have together is already so great.
Monica: Yeah. Do you want to go home? It's getting kinda late.
Chandler: Yeah. Let's go. (They stand up, and walk away.)
(Guys' apartment- Chandler is sitting in a chair, but he is wearing a pancho and sombrero. Ross storms in).
Ross: Excuse me, Sir. Have you seen Chandler?
Chandler: (in a bad accent) He just moved. I'm Joey's new roommate. Chandler is gone forever.
Ross: (Walks to the window, opens it, and sticks his head out of it.) You can run Chandler, but you can't hide! I will find you! (Ross runs out of the apartment.)
The End… for now…
This is only my second fanfic, but please, send me any comments you have about it to firstname.lastname@example.org. And don't worry, I'm writing a sequel to this.
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